Living with a spouse who has Asperger's Syndrome (AS) is not always easy. At times a person with AS may seem socially clueless in a relationship. He/She may not know how to act or understand what is socially acceptable.
A spouse may appear rude or seem uninterested toward his partner. It might come across as being awkward or nerdy at first, but over time a partner's inability to act considerately or respectfully may cause pain in a marriage. Husbands or wives with Asperger's Syndrome do not mean be be impolite. They most often do not understand that they are doing anything wrong.
Characteristics of Asperger's Syndrome
People with Asperger's Syndrome have a different way of looking at the world. While most people have learned over time what is socially correct, those with AS often grow to adulthood still clueless as to what is right or wrong. Some characteristics related to social development include:
- the lack of or inability to make eye contact
- difficulty in understanding sarcasm or non verbal cues
- difficulty in knowing when a conversation has ended
- difficulty staying focused on one particular subject or becoming over focused on another
- problems understanding emotions of others
- taking everything literally, not understanding the hidden meaning
- extreme honesty, often saying things that may seem a little too blunt
While many social rules are learned intuitively, a person with Asperger's more often will have to learn these things by reading or being directly taught by others. Often it is only after an embarrassing or hurtful event has occurred that the person with Asperger's realizes he has done something wrong.
Social Misunderstandings With Asperger's
There may be many misunderstandings in a relationship with Asperger's Syndrome. It is often that the person with Asperger's does not even realize she has made a mistake or even understand how her actions could have upset another.
A husband and wife may sit down to enjoy a dinner together. It may be pleasant and the conversation may have give and take, but the partner with AS may finish her meal and then leave the room even if the conversation isn't quite over. People with Asperger's often misinterpret a pause in a conversation to mean it has ended, or they may not understand that it is not appropriate to leave a date alone at the table just because they have finished eating.
What may seem like common sense socially to one, may seem like a foreign culture to people with Asperger's Syndrome. They often do not understand the reasoning behind such social norms or why they even matter. They do not understand small talk, and they don't understand why someone else may not want to hear about the entire history of medieval weapons or how to build a computer.
They may ask questions like:
- "Why shouldn't I tell someone when they are wrong?"
- "Why did they get upset when they asked me what I was thinking and I told them the answer?"
- "Why did they ask me what I did today if they didn't want to hear everything I did from the moment I went to work?"
- "Why do I need to stay in the room of a party when I'd rather go play on the computer in my own room?"
- "Why do I have to look at her when she's talking to me?"
- "I don't understand why she is mad at me. What did I do?"
Learning From Past Mistakes
Some might think it is best to just overlook these social mistakes in a relationship, but it is unfair to decide a person with Asperger's cannot fit in socially. Often, that person is not told of a social mishap he has caused and so keeps on making the same mistake. It would be better to alert him of a social misunderstanding as soon as possible so he can learn from his mistakes.
People with Asperger's may have never learned any social etiquette growing up, or maybe they don't understand it. Many times social rules have to be taught as a "just do it, it doesn't matter the reason why" explanation. When everything is so black and white to them, they may not ever understand various social reasoning.
Some couples affected by Asperger's can benefit from couples counseling or from a therapist who specializes in AS. Peer groups may be helpful to allow them to hear others' experiences and to get a better understanding of how the rest of the world thinks.
It is important to not give up on a relationship with Asperger's Syndrome. Couples can learn to be more direct and honest with each other. Communication should flow easily. If there is confusion in any conversations or actions, husbands and wives should not be afraid to ask questions. With love, a little guidance, and a bit of patience, marriage can work with Asperger's.
Sources:
Jamie Schutte, MS, CRC. Social Skills and Adults With Asperger's Disorder, June 1, 2009.
Debopriva Bose, Buzzle.com. Asperger's Syndrome in Adults, June 17, 2009.
Becca Spjute - Becca has been married for over 12 years and has four wonderful kids ages 3 to 11. She is an Asperger's Advocate for her boys and husband, ...
