Sharing Valentine's Day with someone with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) may not be all roses and romance. While many couples may look forward to a night out or wait in anticipation for a gift of flowers or jewelry, those experiencing life with an Aspie may not find it's all they hoped for. Their experience might be a little different from the Hollywood version of Valentine's Day.
Six Characteristics of Asperger's Syndrome
In the book Parenting Your Asperger Child (Penguin Group USA, 2005) by Alan Sohn, Ed.D., and Cathy Grayson, M.A., there are six main characteristics of Asperger's Syndrome, which are:
- Difficulty with Reciprocal Social Interactions
- Impairments in Language Skills
- Narrow Range of Interests and Insistence on Set Routines
- Motor Clumsiness
- Cognitive Issues, or the inability to make inferences about what another person is thinking
- Sensory Sensitivities
Some of these characteristics can be overcome as a child grows into adulthood, but generally most traits of Asperger's are set for life. When it comes to dating, a person with AS may have a difficult time with certain social situations, planning dates, or handling the element of surprise.
Dating an Aspie
Being in a relationship with someone who has Asperger's Syndrome can pose a few differences from a regular relationship. While there may be difficulties with socialization, they may not be noticed at first. Certain characteristics may be disguised or overshadowed by the person's direct honesty, attention to detail, and at times, intensity in conversation.
Aspies are often very sensitive and kind. Their clumsiness and impairments in language skills may be interpreted as shyness, nervousness, or just plain quirkiness that makes them seem cute and funny. Their set schedules or routines may be seen as self discipline, and their narrow range of interest may appear as a way of being passionate about what they believe in.
While dating a person with Asperger's may not seem difficult at first, soon the problems with social interactions will appear, as well as his misunderstanding of social rules and norms. The Aspie will not catch on to his date's hints for affection or realize something more is expected in the relationship. These problems can be managed, but when important dating events such as an anniversary, birthday, or Valentine's Day arises, there may be disappointment when things don't turn out as desired.
Planning Valentine's Day
Adults with Asperger's may view Valentine's Day as a holiday filled with awkwardness and confusion. They will not catch on to their date's hints for flowers, jewelry, or dreams of a romantic night out. When it comes to planning the perfect Valentine's date, they will often be clueless as where or how to begin. They may not even realize that anything is expected out of them at all in planning something special.
Many women believe it is the man in a relationship who is supposed to plan the romantic evening out or supposed to buy flowers for their date. When the person with Asperger's is the man in a relationship there will be more chances of hurt feelings. Unless that man is told directly what is expected of him, he will not know what to do.
Denial or Acceptance
In a relationship with Asperger's, Valentine's Day, or any other important event for that matter, will only be successful by way of acceptance. A partner who denies there are any problems or who does not accept that her date with Asperger's cannot understand certain social situations will end up having a night of disappointment. It is unfair of these partners to have such high expectations of events unless they are direct in telling the person with Asperger's of what they hope the evening to be.
It may not seem as fun, as spontaneous, or even a surprise to have to be so direct to a person with Asperger's Syndrome about what is wanted, but it can make the relationship work without all the disappointment and hurt feelings. Most often those with Asperger's do not mean to be insensitive or rude, they just don't understand the social reasoning for everything.
Couples must realize that having Asperger's is a different way of viewing the world. It doesn't mean the person with AS thinks any less of his date or doesn't care for her. He just needs a little extra direction. With a little help reading in between the lines, Aspies can still plan and carry out that perfect romantic evening.
Sources:
Grayson, Cathy, M.A. and Sohn, Alan, Ed.D. FamilyEducation.com. Six Characteristics of Asperger's Syndrome, excerpted from the book Parenting Your Asperger Child, Penguin Group USA Inc, 2005.
Mahari, A.J., Suite101.com. The Challenge of Relationships in Adulthood and Asperger's Syndrome, Suite101.com, September 23, 2004.
Becca Spjute - Becca has been married for over 12 years and has four wonderful kids ages 3 to 11. She is an Asperger's Advocate for her boys and husband, ...
